Thursday, May 24, 2007

On guard

I can become totally on guard whenever I receive positive comments about my looks from men. I know that first impressions usually are based on looks but the older I get, the more I dislike about being noticed on the appearances. Also, I have become very impatient in having to say, "thank you" before moving on with a conversation or discussion. It becomes a problem for me in potential romantic relationship building. The minute I hear these comments, I turn off my interest in these people. It is not that I question these people's sincerity, but it is because I would rather that they focus on my personal qualities as much as I do with them.

I met a Christian couple months ago and was lucky to learn about how they met. Being very devout Christians, they prayed for God to bring the right people to them before starting to develop any loving and lasting relationships. In our society where appearances and superficial gratification outweigh character-building, it was refreshing to hear such a story. I couldn't help admiring them.

I may have been over-reacted about these comments, but I'd like to rationalize my over-reaction. I wonder if it is possible at all to meet someone who is interested in knowing who I am inside, who is willing to embrace my strengths and weaknesses in being my confidant. Appearances fade but the soul can grow to be more beautiful over time. Sometimes I wonder if my naive hope for a soul mate is lofty.


  1. I think that if we are all honest, none of us are going to date or build a relationship with someone we don't initially find attractive. I think that's hard-wired into our genetics.

    As time goes on and you get to know someone, the relationship deepens as you realize that his person has a lot more going for him/her than looks, and those other things (intellect, shared interests, humor) supercede looks and build the foundation for a long term relationship.

    Perhaps deep down you simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I had a two-year stretch in my twenties where I didn't go on a single date entirely because I simply didn't want to. I needed to focus on sorting myself out first.

  2. I know exactly what you mean! But, don't discount some of these peoples' hopes of just wanting to break the ice and start a conversation. How you look may be the only thing they can say to you since it's the only thing they "know" about you. It'd be kind of strange to randomly walk up to someone and say, "Tell me about your personality!"

    I often wish I was living about 100 years ago when people were introduced by family, courted each other, and committed their lives to each other... so simple!

  3. Jeff, I thought about why I dislike them so much and I felt that it was a built up from my disappointment from past experiences. Also, it was a reflection of how I associate these comments with "being superficial", and "nonfunctional relationships". I think I am just tired of being in an unsuccessful pattern.

    MIT, you've got some good points and I think there is a value in meeting someone through people who care about you. It can still happen nowadays.

  4. I think it's good to have high hopes for your future mate, as long as you realise that no one is perfect. Like Jeff said, I think we're initially attracted to someone physically, but as you get to know them better, that becomes less important.

    I think I can understand how you wouldn't enjoy being complimented on your looks if you've had bad experiences in the past. However, I think you can be open and friendly to those who compliment you without dropping your guard. Just be smart about what you do and don't share with others. I think you'll find that a lot of guys who compliment you are being serious about it and are just being normal friendly guys.

  5. Thank you so much for the advice, Roger. I like what you said about being smart in what or what not to share with others. I am trying to understand myself better.