Friday, March 30, 2007
Capturing the images of some Malaysian children:
Boy 1: Let's go, I don't pose for strangers.
Boy 2: That's okay, Sam, she seems nice and it will be fun!
Boy 1: I don't know..what does this foreign woman want for taking our photos?
Boy 2: Who cares, it will be fine, Sam.
Boy in baseball cap: What are you guys doing here? Come on, let's go. Wait, am I in the picture too?? Should I grin?
Boy 1: All right, just do it quick; we have to go.
Boy 2: Look at the camera, Sam. Maybe she'll make us famous.
Boy in baseball cap: Ooh, I think I am in. Hope that's good.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
What does a worry free me look like? With puffy hair??? (shirt from France, skirt from Taiwan and earrings you can't see from Japan)
Just last night, I was lying in bed wondering why I had so many worries? I finally got tired of worrying and decided to quit doing it. For a moment, I felt good about myself for being able to convince myself into that. Seriously, I was very proud of myself. One of my grad school professors once commented on my personality and said, "Loretta will always find something to worry about even if there is nothing close to be doing so." He was darn right! I do not have much confidence in myself even though I have been perceived to be successful in many things. I am still this little girl seeking the approval from someone.
But being able to perceive the problem doesn't lead to easy correctin of my worrisome personality. What I can do is to "make up my mind" to stop the vicious cycle of carrying unnecessary responsibilities and start to learn to enjoy myself.
The first step will begin from separating others' problems from mine. Well, this is a big revelation for me. While others' behaviors may have an adverse impact on me, I want to be free from perpetuating the effect. I can build up this invisible wall to shield them off and I can tell myself that I am free from their influences. So it was really unfortunate to be hitted on by this married guy in my department and it was not my problem. I despise him and the best I can do for now is to avoid him. This man holds some sort of power to manipulate my promotion so I have to be careful in taking any actions. If this was in a different culture, then I would directly request an apology. But in this sytem, things are different and I have to be very caustious.
I am blessed with many good things in life and I should be happy and worry free. I know I can be a genuinely happy person so I'll start being one today. Good luck to myself and I can be a whole new person in a few weeks.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I visited Kuala Lumper, Malaysia over the weekend and got together with my friend Marcus whom I haven't met for over 16 years. Marcus is one of those people who tries to keep in touch with friends no matter how far they are. My family or I received new year's wishes from him all the time whether I was abroad or in town. I am a people person but I also moved a lot over the last decade. We all know that when we moved, old friends tend to drift away sometimes. I really admire Marcus' effort for keeping in touch with me.
It was nice to experience a bit of the multiculturalism of Malaysia and listen to stories of the Chinese Malaysians. Met a few interesting people of various cultural backgrounds, and I think I'll drop them a note to say hello.
I wish I can take a year off to do some soul searching and overseas traveling. But then I feel insecure to abandom a steady income by quitting a job that is not so satisfying anyway. Getting away is nice at times but returning to the boring routines is a pain after the stimulation. But to think about it, I need to give myself permissions to be out of the ordinary and be wild. After all, life is short and unpredictable. We may have the whole life time to hesitate but then it may not be as long as we have in mind.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
My back hurts! Seriously. The dreadful four hours' of non-stop lecturing and monitoring class activities exhausted me. Tomorrow I am doing this all over again. No it is even worse. It will be classes all morning and a night class for two hours. I am not feeling well and never has this happened before. What's wrong with me? Is age finally having an effect on me? How depressing..I've finally become one of them. Oh my gosh! What else could have gone wrong with my health beside the minor problems that I know of? Was it exacerbated by sitting in front of the computer for the last couple of months? I don't know but I want to get well.
I have this desire of running away right now, just to put all these behind me. I had always fought to get myself to places-I was a warrior, but maybe that didn't help to make it to the point of ultimate happiness. I am just too tired to do that all over again. I want to plan a vacation but I am just tired. My anxiety is back-or it has never left. God I wish it disappears right now. Why can't I make myself happy?