The sense of loneliness follows me everywhere. The feeling of not being understood, not being appreciated, and not being able to feel grounded scares me. And I do not want to live the rest of my life feeling scared. All throughout my life, I have been educated to believe that challenges are growing experiences. However, at this stage of life, I do not want to believe in that. I want to be freed and to live for myself, not for what others believe would be good for me. What right do they have to do that to me? To live like this would be a new experience for me. It take a lot of courage and self confidence. Perhaps I wasn't a rebel after all. Perhaps I was seeking a way out, for myself, which I rightly deserve, don't I?
It takes so much courage to break this vicious cycle, and I need all the strength I can get to move on.
I got the tea spoon when I came home for a visit from California many years ago. It was only 10 NT each from a market stand and I was delighted to buy four of them. The stand has long been gone and I couldn't find these anymore. I remember inviting the ladies to a lunch and tea party and my friends Renee and Linda adored them.
They got bent in the dishwasher and one was lost somewhere- Probably was beaten up in my old dishwasher.
These are traveling spoons and they are meant to travel again. I am taking them with me to my new destination.
I have been undecided about my future, since day one when I returned here. With a hope to reconnect to the land and home that I was born to and escaped from, I yearned for acceptance from my own country-or my own acceptance of the country and culture. It has been difficult here, for opportunities are slim for growth, professionally and personally. The job has been a dull case with meaningless requirements that kill one's soul and body. Sometimes I hate that I am not one of them who can tolerate and suffer for things that bear no meanings at all. Last year, I was denied for my promotion after two and half years' of non-stop preparation and sacrifice of pleasure in life. I've learned that for a nobody here in Taiwan, hard work alone isn't enough for getting recognized. The development of connections is the key to it. Unfortunately, I was naive to believe that I should give it a shot no matter what. At this point, I am trying very hard to convince myself that I am of value with all these rejections. Rejections from getting grants, and rejections of being considered to enter the Taiwanese scholarly world.
But on the other hand, I do not like the narrow-mindedness of the so-called Taiwanese academia. I need to be involved in discussions, to find allies and comrades whom I can work with. And I feel so alienated here. With the number of newly increased higher ed institutions and decreased birth rate, competition is fierce in this part of the world. The severe evaluation system drives me nuts everyday. Philosophically, I do not buy in the "holding hand" policy of student advising. Seriously it is a heavy load for instructors aside from their research and teaching responsibilities. Like I said, if I can be more like the others, I can do this blindly and believe that it is my fate.
I am forced to look elsewhere-to move abroad again. It is somewhat sad and hard, to leave my family again, to fight alone in a foreign land with visa problems. But I am not sure what I should look into this time. Should I take up administration again in a system that I was familiar with; would I be inspired for growth with the familiarity, or should I take more time to look for something that could be innovative and interesting, yet at the same time tolerate the boredom and sadness that kills me everyday here in Taiwan? Should I go with the Asian principle of tolerance and numb myself to believe that something better will come along, or should I stop the torture for something else. How can I be sure that this something else is not a false alternative which can drive me further apart from my homeland? Or perhaps I can take up the role of a world citizen again, and set out to venture for something new without binding myself to certain geological premises. I do not know what to think, and I do not have peace with either direction that I choose to enter. The only thing that I look for is to leave my current job and at least have some peace of mind in being myself. I am a carefree person who believes in the goodness of humans and dislikes meaningless structures. How can I set myself free without taking a wrong step? I am not a young bud anymore who has the time to waste in life.
Last week, I hopped over to Japan for a few days, just to take my mind away from worries and frustration. Japan is such a beautiful and clean country with courteous people everywhere.
We woke up early everyday just to see as many places as we could during the short stay. I tried to get by with my rusty Japanese talking to local people that I ran into. Most people were helpful answering my questions. I even visited a women's club to inquire about the membership price. It was similar to "Curves for women" in the states, where women rotate to do aerobics and weight training using machines. Then I visited a children's cooking school. Kids were so cute to look at, and I pretended to be one of the parents waiting to pick up my child by sneaking in the parents' observatory area.
Food was wonderful and the presentations were just too pretty and classy. I miss the sukiyaki and oodon noodles especially. Oh, and we had hot spring baths in the hotel for two nights. Everywhere I went, I felt respected, and every morning when we left a hotel, the staff came out to say goodbye with bows and hand waves. It was so good to be treated as a honored guest.
To my surprise, the living expense in Fukuoka is very affordable and if I were to move to Japan, it would be my first choice. I wish to do some hiking around the volcano area and visit some local families if there is a chance to do so. I also want to try some of the farmer's tofu dishes if I ever go back to Aso. But first of all, I need to brush up my Japanese.
I think I left my heart in beautiful Japan! 私は日本を愛する
Marie, the caretaker explained where the scent of koala came from.
If you ask me what the most important thing is in communicating cross-culturally, I would say to pay attention to the cues of non-verbal messages. You see, here Marie was probably becoming a bit annoyed by having to teach people how to hold the koala (esp. with ignorant foreign tourists) as it could be repetitive and boring. I can imagine how difficult it can be to deal with a line of tourists who come here just to hold the animal for once and have their pictures taken.
So I decided to approach her during the break and asked if she would be willing to explain where the scent of the koala came from to my students in Taiwan. Immediately she showed me this beautiful smile and agreed to do that with my camera.
People like to be respected and it is universal. Even in a situation where we don't speak the language of a person we run into, ackowledging the person's existence with a genuine smile and eye contact can be helpful. The power of empathy breaks cultural boundaries.
Australia was wonderful with beautiful weather and interesting people. I guess I wasn't successful in toning down my near-American accent because people asked me about it all the time. If I ever had a chance to visit again, I want to do some trekking and beach visiting. The sun highlighted the end of the Australian summer with blazing heat. I finally got to see the famous opera house and koala with my own eyes.
Taipei Time